Let's move to Vauxhall and Nine Elms, south London

It's less a place, more a circle of hell

• Tom Dyckhoff
• The Guardian, Saturday 17 April 2010

Vauxhall: 'Not for the faint-hearted. But its ­hideousness equals good value.' Photograph: Martin Godwin

What's going for it?

If you believe what you read in the property pages (I wouldn't), Vauxhall and Nine Elms are where all the cool young daddios are. There's still a cluster of nightclubs hunkered under the viaducts, and the gay village remains thriving. But now the swanky apartments have moved in, for how long? To cap it all work begins soon on America's new fortress – sorry, embassy – complete with moat. Vauxhall is not for the faint-hearted. Still, all its hideousness equals good value, especially for its location, by the Thames, opposite Tate Britain. And hunt behind the roaring roads and you'll find secret nooks of peace: Vauxhall Park, the grand terraces of Fentiman Road, Oval cricket ground, the Portuguese delis of South Lambeth Road, and the little community utopia of Bonnington Square, proof that even in the harshest of habitats, life can thrive.

The case against

Less a place, more a circle of hell. An unrelenting urban experience. Thundering roads as wide as the ocean. Trains overhead. Viaducts beneath. Blades of grass and trees rare as hens' teeth – those nine elms are long gone. Patches can be unsafe after dark, even with MI6 in the 'hood. New development's not much improved it: the incomparably ugly St George's Wharf will be in your eye sockets every day.

Well connected?

Tremendously. Vauxhall is on the Victoria line (zone one), and has trains to Waterloo and Clapham Junction (both five mins, every three/four minutes) and farther south. Super bus station, too.

Schools

Primaries a mixed bag: Wyvil, Ashmole, St Mark's CofE and St Anne's Catholic all "good" says Ofsted. Secondaries better: Archbishop Tenison's "good", Lilian Baylis "good" with "outstanding" features.

Hang out at...

Bonnington Square cafe, staffed by the community.

Where to buy

Poshest is up the hill north and east towards Kennington. Postwar estates are the bargain. Huge apartment complexes like St George's Wharf promise pricey mod cons. A redevelopment at the site of the New Covent Garden Market will include 2,000 new homes.

Market values

Ex-council flats, £160,000-£325,000. Flats in Victorian terraces: one-bed, from £275,000; two, from £325,000. Posh modern flats: studio, £200,000-£375,000; one bed, £250,000-£450,000. Houses, from £430,000 for two beds, from £550,000 for three or four.

Bargain of the week

Six-bed Victorian stuccoed town house, needs converting back from flats, £675,000, with Ludlow Thompson (020-7820 4100).Tom Dyckhoff

From the streets

Laura Newbery "Some parts seem a bit bleak, but the Fentiman Arms on Fentiman Road and the Priory Arms on Lansdowne Way are excellent, welcoming pubs with great food."
Joe Eyton Cole (age 15) "Nice green spaces around, Battersea Park a stone's throw away, but the best thing is the river."

• guardian.co.uk © Guardian News and Media Limited 2010